This is my place. This is where I come when I want to have a good talk about life. Do I get responses? No, not usually (but I’d love to have some if you’re stopping by!). Writing here lets me get things out. Things I don’t talk about to anyone else. I have this thinking in my head, maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but I feel that no one really cares or knows what to do with where I’m at in my life…me included! So I just don’t talk about it to anyone.
I made a decision when I started this blog that I wasn’t going to share it on my facebook page (at least for now). I don’t want “my world” of facebook to know these deeper struggles I deal with. You could say maybe out of fear of judgement, people thinking I’m lame, people thinking there’s something wrong with me, people feeling bad for me. I don’t want that. But also because if I wanted all of my 700-something friends and family to read this and know about it, I’d just post it on there. So ya’ll are my only people here!…it’s almost like I sit down with a stranger in a coffee shop for a good refreshing life talk!
I’m struggling this week. My thoughts, my job, my single life, my friendships, my faith. I’m just plain struggling. We all have these moments…right? I just don’t understand why I am where I am in life. What’s my point here? Why do I have struggle so much for what I want and other’s don’t? Why can’t I more confident like my brother and sister? Where is God in this and why God, why? Why can’t I find someone to be in a relationship with and marry? Why do I have to be that person who isn’t married yet? A wife is something I’ve always dreamed of being. Not even just a bride for one day on my wedding day, but a wife. I don’t get it. Why am I at the job I’m at? Why can’t I even find jobs to apply for? Why do I have to be stuck in a job that doesn’t provide the means I need to live on my own? My friendships…why do I have best friends, but no friends that I can text and say “pray for me, I’m stuggling today”? I love my friends but I feel like I’m missing something. I admit, I put barriers up, but I put them up for a reason. And my faith… oh my faith. Why do I have to be okay with where my life is? …really God, is this your plan? Why? Can’t we just be on the same page just once? I’ve prayed. I’ve read books. I’ve searched. I’ve cried out, in anger, in desperation and nothing. I. just. don’t. get. it.
Well friends, wedding season is in full swing. I have this love/hate relationship with weddings. I love the planning part, I love hearing and seeing the different things the brides do and I love that each wedding is different. I love the detail of the weddings. (Yes, my dream job is a wedding/event planner!). I hate the awkwardness of being a single person at a wedding. The awkwardness of showing up by myself and slipping in the back, hoping no one sees me and definitely praying I don’t have an usher escort me down the aisle because then everyone at the whole wedding knows I’m there by myself (yes, it’s called anxiety, I know).
And then the reception….oh the reception. Alcohol is my best friend at weddings, no, I don’t get crazy drunk, but buzzed just enough to have an enjoyable, relaxed time and maybe dance a little bit, yes (if I have a DD, that is). But then, then it happens…the slow song comes on & like a kid at a middle school dance, there I am awkwardly sitting at the empty table while everyone else dances with their dates and significant others… Queue the nervous cell phone starring & not making eye contact with any. one….or the perfect time for a bathroom break, slip off the the restroom and reapply make up and enjoy the song from afar!
It’s safe to say, if you haven’t noticed yet. Weddings are a great anxiety inducer for me. I so so much wish I was the confident, single girl who could talk to strangers and have a great time at weddings but I’m not an outgoing person so that doesn’t happen for me. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoy time spent with family and friends at weddings though.
I always joke (with a hint of seriousness) that I have my whole wedding planned out on Pinterest, I just need the man! haha. I often wonder why I have had to wait to long and struggle greatly with this part of my life. Why I’ve had to attend countless weddings and be in 5 weddings with out a date. But I also wonder what man God has in mind for me…is it someone I already know but we haven’t seen the connection yet? Someone I will meet at work? Online? Through a friend? Or will it be one of those unreal stories of how we met?…
I honestly, truly believe that God has someone for me. And I have absolutely no idea why He hasn’t revealed him to me yet. It’s frustrating, but it’s also taught me to pray, it’s taught me to believe what I pray and expect an answer. It’s taught me to be okay with going to do some things alone and it’s brought me here.
In the book I mentioned in the first post, Beautiful Uncertainty, Mandy Hale has this prayer in her introduction…
“God, help me see the good in the not knowing, the joy in the in between and the meaning in the meantime”
It’s a prayer I have turned to many times since I’ve read it and one that helps on the roughest, most frustrating days.
This Saturday I have a wedding. No, I don’t have a date. Yes, I’m already having anxiety about it. But I am also looking forward to seeing the girl who’s has been like a little sister to me have an amazing date and start a new chapter in life with her soon-to-be husband. So friends, pray for me this weekend. Pray for little anxiety and much fun and for the Bride and Groom as the start the life together. Thank You ❤
So, this is my first post and so I’m going to do the typical first post thing and introduce myself and tell you why I’m here.
I’m Meredith. I’m a single, 31 year old. My singleness is what brought me here. It’s something I struggle with greatly. I’ve read books about it (my favorite being Beautiful Uncertainty by Mandy Hale), I’ve prayed about it, I’ve cried about it but talking about it, other than in sarcastic/funny ways, is something I don’t do often.
I come from a small, middle-of-nowhere town in Pennsylvania. Two things happen after people graduate high school here. One, they get married soon after high school or straight out of college or two, they go to college, move away, establish them selves and then get married. Neither of which has happened for me. And now that all of my friends around here are married and my ones that aren’t married don’t live around here, it can be a lonely, frustrating thing.
But my faith, my faith is what has gotten me to where I am. I do fully believe that I am where I am in life for a reason; that I’m single, at a job I don’t want to stay at much longer, living at home. And I do strongly believe that God will provide a way out of this chapter of my life in years from now I’ll be able to look back and see how it all played into God’s plan.
So, if you’re finding yourself in a similar place or have been there, I ask you to join me in this quest…In sharing of our struggles, and joys, doubts and fears and create a community of encouragement and sharing life stories of singleness, funny or frustrating with people who get it.