Why?

This is my place. This is where I come when I want to have a good talk about life. Do I get responses? No, not usually (but I’d love to have some if you’re stopping by!). Writing here lets me get things out. Things I don’t talk about to anyone else. I have this thinking in my head, maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but I feel that no one really cares or knows what to do with where I’m at in my life…me included! So I just don’t talk about it to anyone.
I made a decision when I started this blog that I wasn’t going to share it on my facebook page (at least for now). I don’t want “my world” of facebook to know these deeper struggles I deal with. You could say maybe out of fear of judgement, people thinking I’m lame, people thinking there’s something wrong with me, people feeling bad for me. I don’t want that. But also because if I wanted all of my 700-something friends and family to read this and know about it, I’d just post it on there. So ya’ll are my only people here!…it’s almost like I sit down with a stranger in a coffee shop for a good refreshing life talk!
I’m struggling this week. My thoughts, my job, my single life, my friendships, my faith. I’m just plain struggling. We all have these moments…right? I just don’t understand why I am where I am in life. What’s my point here? Why do I have struggle so much for what I want and other’s don’t? Why can’t I more confident like my brother and sister? Where is God in this and why God, why? Why can’t I find someone to be in a relationship with and marry? Why do I have to be that person who isn’t married yet? A wife is something I’ve always dreamed of being. Not even just a bride for one day on my wedding day, but a wife. I don’t get it. Why am I at the job I’m at? Why can’t I even find jobs to apply for? Why do I have to be stuck in a job that doesn’t provide the means I need to live on my own?  My friendships…why do I have best friends, but no friends that I can text and say “pray for me, I’m stuggling today”? I love my friends but I feel like I’m missing something. I admit, I put barriers up, but I put them up for a reason. And my faith… oh my faith. Why do I have to be okay with where my life is? …really God, is this your plan?  Why? Can’t we just be on the same page just once? I’ve prayed. I’ve read books. I’ve searched. I’ve cried out, in anger, in desperation and nothing. I. just. don’t. get. it.

 

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